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COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — A new study from the Air Force Academy Metal Flying Things Research Center has found that 77% of the Air Force is unfit for service in the real world. “Airmen are delicate beings that have very creative minds and can’t be bothered with strict rules and regulations. We found that a majority were just not ready to enter civilian service,” said Lt. Col. Mike Humphrey, the research center’s deputy director, after several attempts to reach Flying Things Director of Research, Col. Amy Brighton, were unsuccessful as she was working from home, in Costa Rica. Humprey added: “So we decided to create a new program to support transitioning airmen to the real world, which we call Independent Airmen Master for Supportive Occupational Future Transition.” According to officials, IAMSOFT is geared toward teaching airmen the critical skills they need for the next stage in life. Classes on core subjects such as resume building, interviewing techniques, and what to do when there aren’t fresh donuts at work every morning are paired with targeted electives like a two-hour block of instruction for officers on how to adjust their chairs when the reclining mechanism is broken and there isn’t an E-3 around to fix it. To simulate the application of real-world civilian skills like time management, airmen stay in the classroom all the way until 1700, well past their usual end of the day. At the program’s inception, airmen were expected to show up at 0900 on the dot or risk failing the program, but program managers later had to modify that expectation or risk not having any program members. “I want to be a personal trainer,” said Sgt. John Lake, a second-time candidate. “I am taking classes geared toward that career. This morning, I have ‘How to Do a Single Push-Up’ and this afternoon I am in ‘Civilian Jobs Don’t Hand Out Awards for Doing Nothing.’ I have heard horror stories from those on the outside. One guy told me he had to take work calls after 1500… like how do they expect people to not get burnt out?” Many transition programs emphasize physical and mental health as well as life skills. Asked about physical fitness, an airman running by the Metal Flying Things Research Center told reporters: “I am a soldier stationed here at the Air Force Academy. I’ve never actually seen an airman run at all.” While the IAMSOFT program has its detractors, Lt. Col Humphrey says the program is already showing great promise. “We have started to see improvements. We are getting airmen to be more comfortable in extreme civilian work environments,” said Humphrey. “One of our best pipelines so far has been transitioning airmen out of the Air Force and into working as a GS employee for the Air Force. Still, only about half make it there.” The Space Force is tinkering with implementing a similar program, but after reports of the intensity of IAMSOFT, officials decided to create a prep school before sending anyone through the actual program. Codered is a weekend warrior who is only skilled in quoting Star Wars and giving extremely accurate political advice.
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