A Valentine's Day Hollywood Dating ManifestoA comedy TV writer's advice: don't get involved with anyone else in the industry
I’m a TV writer who writes for The Ankler under a pseudonym for obvious reasons. Previously, I wrote a PSA advising against being a TV writer, a story about Getting Fired the Hollywood Way, The Misery of Writer Twitter, Hollywood’s Zoloft Blow-Off and How to Age Gracefully in Hollywood. There’s a quote from Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking about her marriage to Paul Simon: “Mike Nichols used to say we were two flowers, no gardener. No one was minding the relationship.” An older friend, also a comedy writer, used to bring this quote up every time I was having romantic problems. It always annoyed me. My friend was a high-maintenance temperamental mess married to a woman who worked with troubled children. Typical male writer, I thought. At that point I’d worked with enough of them to notice a pattern: a lot of them were married to professional caretakers, ranging from teachers to soccer moms to literal “I work on a locked ward with psychopaths” mental health professionals. These men would say things like, “Honestly, she’s the funny one,” which always rang false because, deep down, every comedy writer thinks they’re the funniest person on the planet. Talk, vent and network all you want. Just think twice before you trauma-bond with someone over the fact that you both worked for the ‘Rick and Morty’ guy. “My Wife is a Civilian”I cannot tell you how many times I heard that phrase. After a while, hearing “I’d never date someone else in the business” started to grate too. My private — and I always kept it very private — disapproval took on a quasi-political valence. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was seeing a weird passive-aggressive repudiation of feminism. To me, these arrangements felt like a sneaky way of saddling women with all of the emotional heavy-lifting in relationships while the men got to have fun writing jokes. Keep in mind, this was the early-to-mid 2000s, and the industry was very different. Back then, shitposting wasn’t something angry men did on 4chan; it was something they did at work with their mouths. I was usually the only woman in the room, and was often seen as having taken a job that, in a just world, would have gone to a guy the co-EP did upper deckers with in college (look it up. Or don’t). Also, I didn’t like the implication that I couldn’t be a good caretaker because I worked in this business. I’d logged hundreds of hours cleaning out depressed boyfriends’ refrigerators and dusting off their copies of Das Kapital. There was only one problem. My Carrie Fisher-quoting friend was right. He was completely and totally right. I mean, he ended up getting divorced — but you can be divorced and still right. It took me a long time to figure it out, but the truth can be like that sometimes. Writers shouldn’t get romantically involved with other writers. In fact, writers shouldn’t get romantically involved with anyone in the entertainment industry at all. A Quick CaveatI know happy Hollywood couples. Some are actors, others are young up-and-coming showrunners who support each other’s dreams. I even know a few married people who write together. I can picture them cranking out hit-after-hit at the adjoining desks in their mansion in Los Feliz. Sure, they argue sometimes, but their unions are exciting, intimate, life-sustaining. Fuck those people. They are the Devil. Because what does the Devil do? He tempts us by disguising himself as an angel of light. Happy industry couples are like lottery winners and people who got into (then out of) crypto at the exact right time. They’ve succeeded by doing a foolish thing, which incentivizes other people to do the same. Look away. You will not win at their game. You’re already taking a huge risk by choosing a career in entertainment. Don’t do it with your romantic life. Speaking as someone who knows, here are a few insights into… Why People Ruin Their Lives by Dating in the Industry
The most obvious reason is that it’s easy. People meet at work. My parents met at work. If #MeToo existed in the ’70s, I never would have. Today, work takes up more and more of our lives. It is our lives. The status quo is untenable, and eventually this grim form of capitalist exploitation, this war of all-against-all taking place in writers’ rooms, in Slack channels and around burrito-encrusted communal microwaves in office kitchenettes will implode in a spectacular and terrifying manner (but that’s a separate article). Another reason people like to date people in the industry is that you go into that first date already having something in common. Inside jokes and industry gossip can take you a long way, conversation-wise. Chances are, you’ll discover that you and your potential mate know some of the same people. Having friends in common naturally leads to greater intimacy, an intimacy that will reach full fruition when you stop talking about all the people you know and like and hone in on the one person you both secretly want to strangle to death. A lot of people in Los Angeles work in entertainment, but many more don’t. Please, for the love of God, just date those people. There’s always the danger that you end up going out with a doctor who’s always dreamed of writing. As I mentioned before, California is a concealed-carry state for screenplays. Even in an age of declining awards show viewership and ascending TikTok stars, there’s still a certain glamor to Hollywood. Whether you’re a power couple or a pair of struggling bohemians, the idea of two artists mind-melding is incredibly romantic. Obviously I’m partial to writers. Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. Joan Didion and John Gregory Dunne. William F. Buckley and Gore Vidal. (Never a couple, but very clearly in love.) People talk about love and attraction like they’re random chemical events, but they’re not. It’s all about narrative. Even a six-minute video on YouPorn has a story. And as insane people who continue speaking well past their time limit during Writers Guild Q&As like to say, the world will always need stories. There are also more cynical reasons people like to date people in the industry, namely to advance their careers. I want to make it clear that I have zero problem with social climbing in theory. In fact, my least favorite people are the ones who insist that the idea of status never crosses their mind when they interact with people. Our industry is defined by status. We’re the big swinging dicks from Bonfire of the Vanities, just with smaller dicks. We’re all a bunch of jackals. The people who deny this are always the guiltiest by the way. Like excessive social justice tweeting, it’s a highly reliable jackal heuristic. The wicked flee when no man pursueth, folks! So no, I’m not against starfucking, I’m against being bad at it, which, unfortunately, most people are. Dating someone more powerful than you is far more likely to backfire than to help you. You can’t sleep your way to the top or even, as the tired joke goes, the middle. You have to marry the person. So you’re really rolling the dice. Why You Should Not Roll the DiceEven when people behave in a perfectly ethical way, dating someone in the industry means dealing with weird power dynamics. This applies whether the person you’re dating is more successful than you, less successful, or a peer. It applies to agents, executives, actors and writers alike. Moreover, whatever your dynamic is, it can change in a heartbeat. Your successful girlfriend could get fired from the network. Your struggling comedian boyfriend could become a big star and dump you for a hotter, more famous 19-year-old. Are you confident enough to live with that possibility? If you are still reading this, probably not. A confident person would have stopped after the first paragraph and said, “Why should I take advice from some anonymous weirdo on the Internet?” Also, even the most amicable breakup can disrupt your social life. If your ex is more successful than you, prepare for the possibility of losing people you thought were friends. If they’re less successful, prepare for the possibility of having to switch to another Starbucks. Speaking of Starbucks, did I mention that you will have to read their scripts? So much can go wrong here. Giving notes can be hard in the best of circumstances. Worst-case scenario, the script is unsalvageable. It’s hard to keep having sex with someone after you’ve realized their art is bad. It’s like dating someone who believes in QAnon — except QAnon is a Bigfoot spec not based on existing IP. Do not kid yourself that dating someone in the industry who isn’t a writer will solve this problem. Everyone in the industry kinda, sorta thinks they might have a good script inside them. It is a weapon that could be brandished at any time. Still Need More Reasons?
Fine, I can do this all day. Here’s one: eugenics. Yeah, yeah, eugenics are bad, I know, I read part of the Wikipedia article. But if you want a family, would it hurt to consider combining your crazy genes with a normal person’s? Even if you don’t want kids, two highly neurotic people aren’t usually the best thing for a relationship. For years, I let other women (and the occasional suck-up guy friend) tell me after breaking up with someone in the industry that he was threatened by my writing talent. The problem is, it wasn’t true. “He was intimidated” is the female equivalent of “she just doesn’t like nice guys.” It applies to a handful of cases, but this is mostly a self-serving delusion. My real problem when I was younger wasn’t talent; it was that I was anxious and insecure. It didn’t help that I was constantly bouncing between gigs on awards shows where you got yelled at for pitching an Andy Dick movie parody sketch, because no way in hell are we doing another Andy Dick movie parody sketch — only to get a call at 1 a.m. requesting punch-up on the Andy Dick movie parody sketch we were doing. You know what might have helped? A normal boyfriend. It would have ruined his life, of course, but it would’ve been a great deal for me! You will have to read their scripts. So much can go wrong here. It’s hard to keep having sex with someone after you’ve realized their art is bad. It’s like dating someone who believes in QAnon — except QAnon is a Bigfoot spec not based on existing IP. If none of this has convinced you, I will offer one last reason to avoid dating someone in the entertainment industry: it will ruin entertainment forever. The day will come when you see a billboard featuring your ex on a billboard above Trader Joe’s, and I’m going to be honest. It’s not cool. There are only two legitimately funny television shows on right now, and I’ve hooked up with people on both of them. It’s not like they’re bad people, it’s just emotionally confusing to try to enjoy comedy while also thinking about the person who broke your heart/ate your ass. The good news is that I’ve found a lot of great new Israeli and Korean shows, because I’ve never been near either of those places. There’s a World Outside HollywoodA lot of people in Los Angeles work in entertainment, but many more don’t. Please, for the love of God, just date those people. There’s always the danger that you end up going out with a doctor who’s always dreamed of writing. As I mentioned before, California is a concealed-carry state for screenplays. But the danger is minimal. One of the few good things about dating apps is that you can do some pre-screening. Also, your Hollywood friends are bound to know someone who doesn’t work in the industry and will find your job exotic and exciting. Ask people to set you up. That’s how I ended up happily dating a guy who does business stuff for a large something corporation. I still don’t know exactly what it is. It’s great. I used to think that people who didn’t work in entertainment were boring. Now I understand that we’re some of the most boring people on Earth. Especially writers. I live with one (me) and sometimes I dream of writing one of those Eat Pray Love books about leaving myself to go to India. The same goes for humor. At one point, I realized the funniest person I know is a biologist. My cousin, a libertarian with a 4chan pass, is funnier than most of the comedy writers I’ve met. (Sorry ladies he’s taken. He’s marrying a fellow MBA he met at his wage-cucking software job.) Trust me, the industry talk will eventually grow stale. Lasting relationships are ultimately about shared values, not banter. My parents have nothing to talk about, but they’ve been together for years because they have the same values, like arguing endlessly about where to go to lunch before going to the same place they went the day before. Your Final WarningThere’s been a lot of discussion in the news about a possible strike. I have no idea what will happen and neither does anyone else. What I do know is that, as we speak, there are a lot of writers eating donuts in Sheraton conference rooms, and if that’s not a recipe for a fuckfest, I don’t know what is. Don’t succumb. Talk, vent and network all you want. Just think twice before you trauma-bond with someone over the fact that you both worked for the Rick and Morty guy. Hurt people hurt people. Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, Kit
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