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UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, Syria —Army Sgt. Matthew Butler is an Army Reservist from Virginia who is currently deployed to an undisclosed location in Syria in support of Operation Inherent Resolve. He recently learned his wife is apparently cheating on him when he saw her and his children appearing with a local Congressional candidate in a political ad, sources confirmed today. “To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement,” said Butler, a 32-year-old Civil Affairs Specialist. “We all hear horror stories about Jody and Dear John letters, but I saw this on a campaign ad. I mean, what the fuck?” Butler was in a makeshift Morale, Welfare, and Recreation hut checking emails when he came across a campaign ad for Derrick Anderson, a Republican congressional candidate in Virginia, that featured Butler’s wife and three children. A spokesperson for the campaign noted that the candidate is engaged, and the family in the photograph is relatives of a close friend. “I don’t even know this fucking guy!” yelled Butler. “Look, I know the deal, and I know shit happens when you deploy, but a long-tabber running for Congress? Dude, Jody is supposed to be a civilian. Some guy from her hometown or a salesman at the real estate office or something. Maybe…maybe some 82nd E-4 she meets at Applebee’s and has a one-night stand with. But a freaking ex-Green Beret running for Congress? And why is she posing for campaign brochures with the kids? Can’t she just bang him while I’m gone and sext him for a few months after I get back? Like a normal person would! This is such a violation!” Anderson, a former Special Forces officer, is engaged to be married and has no children. Like many GOP candidates, he’s made an effort to emphasize a wife and family in campaign literature in an apparent attempt to appeal to women voters concerned with reproductive rights and the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v Wade. Not everyone is shocked at the development. A retired Special Forces sergeant, Thomas Coolidge, said it sounds par for the course. “It’s what we do,” said Coolidge. “As a Green Beret, you learn to adapt and overcome. You deploy to a non- or semi-permissive environment, identify a resource you didn’t bring, make it yourself, or procure it on the economy. This guy needed a family, so he procured one. It’s the Fifth SOF Truth - ‘Most special operations require non-SOF support.’ It’s basic snake eater stuff.” Paul J. O’Leary is a retired Army First Sergeant who enjoys recreational axe throwing and writing and survives on way more coffee and social media than he’d care to admit. He likes his coffee and his humor dark and he believes everyone is entitled to his opinion.
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